Blog

Short blog posts, journal entries, and random thoughts. Topics include a mix of personal and the world at large.

For the kids

The group of people I feel most sorry for during this COVID pandemic - outside of those directly affected with the horrible disease - is the children. To have this period of tremendous growth and learning so utterly upended by the lockdowns is going to affect the kids negatively for a very long time to come. Especially the younger ones: their naiveté may shield them from any rational fears and worries, but I think the damage done is subconscious. Not being able to see their friends or have any other social interaction beyond their own parents, for going on seven months now, cannot not possibly be good for their growing psyche.

It sucks for the older kids as well. I can’t imagine what it’s like to have the fun parts high school - proms and various gatherings - be taken away. The current juniors and seniors will never get those experiences back. The answer to the question “How was your senior prom?” will always be a resigning sadness, followed by an explanation of how there wasn’t a prom that year because of COVID. Missed weddings for adults can always be done at a later date. High school prom? That’s a once in a lifetime thing you simply don’t get to do again.

I really feel sorry for the kids.

A coworker of mine brings his daughter in to work whenever he has to physically come to campus. The kid is only four years old, so she has zero idea as to the rhythm and reason of the current predicament. Having to attend class remotely is just another new adventure in her brief life thus far. Her daily cheeriness every time I see them is something of a bright spot. Ignorance can indeed be bliss in this situation, but sometimes I can’t help but agonize at the subliminal hurt that all of this craziness is causing the kid, ramifications that I don’t think we yet know will occur down the road.

As much as I try to humor the daughter and indulge in chat with her, deep down I know what’s most important for her is to return back to the pre-COVID normal. To be able to once gain see and hangout with peers her age, and do fun stuff on the weekends.

What I'm working on

It is Monday, August 31st, the final day before September, of the year 2020, pandemic edition. These days with each turn of the calendar I am both surprised and dismayed that yet another month have gone past already, and still we are mired in this lockdown predicament that we’ve been in since March. When will it end? Who the heck knows, but the world keeps marching on, and so should you to the best possible.

Despite it all, I have to say my mental health have actually improved during this quarantine, something pleasantly unexpected. Coming out of a funky 2019, I was expecting a slow road back to equilibrium as another year arrives, but it seems COVID have accelerated those steps: I had to adapt quickly or risk having my anxiety issues turn for the worst. For better or worst, it seems having the space and time to focus on my thoughts - thanks, lockdown - and to think things through is a good form of psychotherapy for me.

My anxiety problem was largely resolved in Spring, and during the summer months I had a reconciliation with accepting situations as they come and going with the flow of life. Surely in part due to the quarantine, early June I was really rebelling against my current situation and being miserable that I can’t do anything about it. Eventually I come to remember that it’s rather useless to lament things that are out of my control, and life happens no matter my mood, so might as well be pleasant about things no matter if they are good or bad. Surrender to the flow and trust that it will eventually turn out okay.

As corny and magic-dust as it may sound, soon as I acquiesced to the flow, my life sort of fell into place perfectly like puzzle pieces, one after another. Things I’d normally stress over or worry about seems to fix itself, or solutions pop up just as I need it. It’s rather amazing.

Lately I’ve been working on the continuing struggle of staying present in the moment, which is a never-ending quest. Right now what I’m marinating on is that thinking about the future - near or far - robs me of the present moment. Don’t be so eager for the next thing on the list, even if that thing is better and more fun than what I am doing right now. Focus on the right now, and stop constantly anticipating; because eventually you’ll run out of the things to anticipate (read: death) and you’ll regret not having dedicated proper attention to your experiences as they happen.

That’s what I’m working on; I hope the final four months of this crazy 2020 will be at least in parts fruitful.

Thanksgiving is cancelled

It has to be, right? I know we’re only in the middle of August right now, but I don’t think it would be possible for us to have our typical large gatherings for Thanksgiving. It would not be the responsible thing to do, not when there will be at-risk elders present (are you really not going to invite grandma and grandpa?). One of the biggest cause factors to the spread of COVID is large indoor gatherings where air-circulation is minimal; we would be naive to think that our homes wouldn’t be one of such type if we do invite our friends and family over for Thanksgiving dinner. For sure, plenty of people will have one anyways - because this is America.

I am definitely sad that I probably won’t get to eat my friend’s rather delicious turkey this year, though with the way 2020 have gone, it shouldn’t come as a surprise. We all thought the coronavirus would subside by the Summer months, but here we are approaching autumn and we are still in de-facto lockdown. In California I still cannot yet have a meal inside a restaurant, the traditional bonding act of breaking bread that I miss dearly. Some days I would wake up and wish that all of this would be over in an instant, however irrational it may be, and then reality sets in once more, and I move on with my day as I have done since March.

I did not intend to be somewhat depressive on a Monday, but this past weekend was one of the few times I got tangible frustrated at the current predicament. On top of the pandemic, the Bay Area is experiencing historically bad wildfires, and the air quality around here is so awful that it is advised we stay indoors unless absolutely necessary (good thing we’ve had a lot of practice). I was suppose to take the 911 out for a long drive on Sunday, but the terrible smog from the wildfires prevented me from doing so: last thing I want is to further exacerbate the problem with my petrol-burning toy of a sports car.

Instead then I was stuck indoors watching automotive-related videos on Youtube, which really didn’t help because all I could think about is wanting so much to go outside and drive. Seeing others being able to do so in those videos made me rage at my current situation, desperate for the moment when we can go back to our previous normal. There’s so much I want to do and be able to do again, and that future right now seems quite far away.

Perhaps I’m finally experiencing cabin fever.

Resignation

I think all of us living in America right now need to reconcile with the fact that there is no normal to return to for the rest of this year. The pandemic has yet to abate in this great country of ours, and in many regions the case numbers show it’s getting worse. Right here in San Francisco the Mayor have put a pause on the reopening plans, and this week Harvard announced their Fall semester will be completely online. That big Christopher Nolan movie - Tenet - that’s schedule to come on in theatres mid August? I don’t see a chance it’ll make that date; no way we’d be ready to be packed into a theatre by that time - it’s too risky.

As the calendar flips over its pages and you hope the situation we’ve found ourselves in since mid March will soon be over, the end horizon simply keeps stretching further and further. It’s as frustrating to me as I am sure it is for everyone else, compounded by the fact we can clearly see other countries that dealt with the coronavirus more properly than we did getting to enjoy the fruits of their persistence. Formula One is back, and my relatives in China tell me that life for them have largely resumed as before, aside from the constant temperature checks when entering buildings.

Why can’t we have nice things? Some days it’s difficult to resign to the reality that the United States have played the same hand so utterly poorly. I’m afraid we’re going to be in continued lockdown for the rest of 2020 while looking out forlornly at the rest of world returning to a significant semblance of normalcy. The hopes of being home free by the time autumn rolls around is likely gone, and honestly that’s a tough pill to swallow when there’s glaring comparisons pointing out that it definitely did not have to be this way.

No doubt, this too shall past; just probably not anytime soon. It’s really no use being disappointed that each passing day seems to bring no relief or end; we have to stay focused on improving ourselves during this time and prepare for the day when we are able to go back to our pre-COVID lives. That day will come, so don’t despair that it hasn’t yet.

Half over

Good news or bad news, 2020 is half over. The calendar has turned the page to July, and by god we’ve made it to the center marker of this crazy and wild year. Good news of course is that we made it this far, and should count ourselves lucky if we still have employment and free of the coronavirus. Bad news of course is that COVID-19 is still very much with us, and with the recent case spikes in America, I don’t suppose there an end in sight yet to the 2020 madness.

I wouldn’t say this new reality of ours since early March have sort of become normal; all it takes is a slight shift in perspective to realize the current situation is absolutely the opposite of what it is suppose to be. Breaking bread at a restaurant with friends remains an impossibility, and I’ve nearly forgotten what it’s like to watch a movie at a theatre. I guess it’s not something that enters the mind when the combination of lockdown and racial protests are happening at the same time these past few weeks. You simply do the best you can to go about your day as peaceful as possible.

At the same time, you try not to think about what you were doing during this exact time the previous year, because it can get sad rather quickly. Last July I had the trip of a lifetime to Japan: for two weeks it was the best travel experience out of the many I’ve had in the past five years (not so humble brag). I was so inspired by the trip that I wrote a five-part photo story, and also got super depressed in returning to my normal life after being in a country that fits my personality so damn well.

Obviously, it’s best not to think about it too much during this time, and instead concentrate on making lemonade out of the crappy batch of lemons we’ve been given this year. The goal is come out of this mess a better and improved person, especially for those of us in a fortunate enough position to not have to worry about job security or the harmful effects of the coronavirus. We’ve stewed indoors for more than four months now, and it seems there will be many more months to go; the work continues.

What second wave?

So, the coronavirus is gone now? Everything can go back to normal?

That is of course an absurd thing to say, because even after over three months of lockdown, the number of new COVID-19 case are not going down. We don’t have to worry about the “second wave” later this year because the first wave still hasn’t ended! (Genius!) And to think that San Francisco - and California - is going ahead with reopening plans; as much as I really want to have a meal at a restaurant with my friends, right now is still seems far from the ideal time to do so. You’d hope to at least see a statistically significant dipping trend in new cases first.

We are so not there yet.

I think we are absolutely playing with fire with the protesting that’s been happening all around the country. This is not to disparage against the message of the protests; the fact it has to happen during this crazy time of quarantine is such an unfortunate coincidence. This many people clustered together cannot be a good thing for stopping the virus spread, no matter if people are wearing masks. Because if the opposite is true, then we wouldn’t have had to majorly shutdown for three months, and my friend’s wedding isn’t getting postponed.

Again, it has to be said I greatly support the message of the protests, and if the negative consequences towards potentially prolonging the COVID-19 pandemic is a necessary cost to move this country forward, then so be it. But then cities will have to allow other gatherings as well, because on a base level it’s super unfair to (for example) the person who just lost a grandparent and is prohibited from holding a proper ceremony with attending family and friends. I don’t think it’s right to be selective about what gatherings are allowed; there’s no rational explanation - the coronavirus doesn’t discriminate.

If protests must happen, then you might as well open back up other gathering opportunities as well. Whether or not people will actually go to those things is another matter, but it’s wrong to forbid a gym from opening when there are people protested down the street.

A month's extension

Well, it’s officially official now: the shelter-at-home order has been extended until the end of May for the Bay Area’s six counties. In a somewhat surprising move (to me anyways), we will have a third continuous month of quarantine action. If you’d ask me early in March when this all started that we’d be in for lockdown until the beginning of June, I probably would have said “no chance”.

It is surprising that we are in for another month of stay-at-home because San Francisco never really saw the major outbreak that occurred in New York City and in Italy. Undoubtedly due to our early efforts to stop mass gatherings of people and start working from home, coronavirus cases here never increased exponentially, and our area hospitals remain calm and at the ready. Due to these factor I thought the city government may see fit to loosen some of the proverbial strings and gradually dial back in some normalcy. Well, the answer is no; we have 30+ more days of the current status quo.

And I have to say I am quite used to the quarantine situation that we have now. The major change in working from home have turned into something normal, and my weekends are fairly the same given that I’m an introverted shut-in anyways. I am itching for the rest of you to return to your regular lives, and personally I can’t wait to be able to do one of the things I love most in this world: driving. It’s the reason I’m low-key dismayed that San Francisco have move the endpoint one month further. As much as I enjoy being at home, the current situation remains very weird.

I think my mind subconsciously knows this as well; I’ve been having difficulty falling asleep lately, even though I literally have changed nothing with regards to my evening and night routine. I can’t even say it’s stress from work because being relegated to sitting in front of a computer in my room is actually an easier task than during normal times. I think the troubled sleep stems from very subtle anxiety with everything that’s going on outside; no matter what new routine I settle into, it will never feel completely right until the lockdown is over.

April went by unexpectedly quick; what’s another month, really?