Get in the flow

We all want to get in a flow state, don’t we? The feeling where we’re are so in tune and concentrated on the current activity, that everything else on the periphery melts away. Time seems to not be a thing anymore, until of course when it reintroduces itself as the signal for the end of activity. Reality sets back in. Time to be an adult again.

I had such an experience at the improv class yesterday evening. A three hour night class - after an already full day at work - would typically be a slow burn. Anybody that’s taken night classes in college knows exactly what I’m talking about. However, yesterday’s three hours of improv lessons flew by super quickly. I was in a zone, so concentrated on the material and just being in the present there. The class was adjourning when I thought we’d still have one more hour to go.

I’ve really come to enjoy this beginners improv class. It has a surprisingly philosophical bent to it. Improv can only be done in the present. Whatever you’ve prepared in the past and prepared to do in the future don’t matter - the situation can and will shift in an instant. So you’ve got to be ready, pay complete attention, and be vulnerable enough to say (or act) the first thing that pops to mind. You’re going to make mistakes, you’re going to look silly - that’s the point. This class has been incredibly useful for getting me out of my own head, and letting go of social insecurities.

The instructor remarked yesterday, “You have everything you need at this moment.” A fairly zen statement to a student’s question of what if he can’t come up with anything right away. I think that student is still worried about saying the right thing, coming up with something clever and pertinent (I’m not any better). While that is indeed the goal, the flip side is that one cannot be afraid to look foolish. Worrying about what other people think stifles authenticity. At least we’re at the right class to correct this habit!

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Light bulb!

The active mind

Zen buddhist philosophy preaches we should always stay in the present moment. The mind wants to wander on about way too many thoughts, and it’s imperative for you to recognize it and then detach yourself from the constantly thinking mind. Take a deep breath and feel the presence in the now. Focus the sensation onto the extremities of the body: the fingers typing on a laptop, your feet touching the cold embrace of the floor. The mind will want to fight you on this, but anytime you see it go off once again onto yet another thought string, let it go and return focus to your breathing.

This practice is particularly useful during stressful situations, or when things aren’t especially going your way. Negative thoughts of fear, anxiety, or sadness will flood the brain channels during these times, and it can be quite overwhelming if you are unable to keep attention to the present moment. The mind will draw from your pass memories, or create future scenarios in order to torture you; I think we can all attest the mind is very good at doing both when we most need it to be calm.

Being in the present is also surprisingly useful when things are going well. Surely you’ve experienced this: the night before a huge trip or big life event, it’s rather difficult to get a good night’s sleep. The mind is preoccupied with great anticipation for the positive things that’s about to happen, and it cannot wait for you to get this proper sleep first - it wants to time travel. So there you are, lying in bed wide awake, the mind full of sweet scenarios of what’s to come. Or perhaps you’re like me: anxious about those future event turning out badly.

Sometimes the mind wanderings are so strong that you just have to let it be. Resign to that fact it’s going to be active for awhile, and simply observe the thoughts as they come and go. It’s useless to waste additional energy to fight it - just observe. The mind will quiet down eventually, and you can then go to sleep.

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The much neglected.

We'll see

I have to say this past weekend my mental health took a step backwards: anxiety levels were hugely elevated throughout, weighting me down with a sense of constant dread. The hot weather certainly didn’t help, piling on to the oppressive feelings, of being trapped with nowhere to escape. These COVID times are indeed tough for everyone, a massive psychological burden that affects you no matter how lucky you’ve been relatively to other that’s got it much worse.

You can’t expect to be completely okay through these decidedly abnormal times.

And I certainly expect to have bad days when it comes to my chronic anxiety issues. The journey of solid mental health is one of always a work-in-progress, and as such there will be days of improvement and calm, but mix in there are days of dread and despair. Only with consistent work can you hope to eke out slightly more good days than bad, and on those not so good days, the negative feelings are blunted, rather than being super acute.

But the rough moments are what we study and train for. It’s superbly easy to be calm and steady when things are going well and there’s nothing annoying you - you don’t need to study Zen Buddhism to handle those situations. Practicing the stoic arts comes into play when life isn’t particularly going your way, or your’e stuck in a intractable problem. You think you’ve got a lid things until life punches you right in the face; that’s when the training of going with the flow and remembering to focus on only what you can control is needed, that’s when you’ll be tested.

This past weekend was not the best, and for sure there will be many more days like it in the future. I just have to prepared for that eventuality, and utilize the coping mechanisms that’s being continuously cultivated with my philosophical studies.

I hope we all have a great week ahead.

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Spotted at a FedEx parking lot.

No silence for the wicked

After the tranquilness of physically being at work yesterday and the absolute silence that comes from being one of the few people there, today was such a dramatic drag. I’m once again back working at home, and the loudness of the neighborhood - and from my family members who are also stuck sheltering at home - is especially grating today. I can practice zen buddhism as much as I can, but some days it’s difficult to ignore the things I can’t control; today, it’s the ambient sounds of where I live.

The kid that lives downstairs from us just so happen to decide that this day would be a good day to ride a super loud motorcycle around the neighborhood. Lovely.

Peace and quiet is what I want, is that too much to ask? Some days I am this close to risking it all and moving myself to the middle of nowhere out in the woods, to find my own version of Walden pond. I would gladly swap the sounds of city-life for the sounds of nature; the former can be hugely grating, and the latter is evergreen serene until eternity. What it must be like to be able to finish a thought without yet another car driving by with its stereo blaring way too loudly. I’m not annoyed most days - I wouldn’t have been able to live here for nearly twenty years if it did - but some days it’s simply impossible to keep a clear mind and focus.

How am I suppose to be meditative under such annoyance?

What does help to refocus the mind and keep calm is to remember that there are others out there who has it worse than me, that their surroundings is magnitudes more difficult than the mere noise pollution that I’m experiencing. Commiseration - even if it’s imagined - helps also: surely I’m not the only one who is bothered by the loud motorcycle whizzing by when the kid is riding it over the many streets of the neighborhood. It’s suddenly not so bad when I realize it’s not only me who is suffering.

This too shall pass, and as it always is with mental health, it’s a constant work in progress.

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Aren’t you lucky, not having to deal with an hyperactive mind of a human.

I'm fine

In a surprising twist out of this coronavirus lockdown situation, my mental health have actually improved during this great time of uncertainty and chaos. While experts are predicting a subsequent mental health crisis following this period of people staying at home all the time, in some surely perverse way I’ve instead gotten better psychologically. It’s probably because I am an introvert at heart, and being at home and unable to go outside is what I would call a typical Saturday. It’s the rest of you who are suffering from the quarantine.

I don’t say any of this out of hubris; rather I carry immense gratitude for how things have turned out. It was a decidedly horrible year last year mentally, and coming out from that at the beginning of this year, I knew it would be a challenge to get back to a decent equilibrium. The annual trip back home to Guangzhou was a much-needed escape and refocus, though soon as I returned to the States, the COVID-19 problem started its ascent towards a truly global pandemic. It would be a quiet two months before the virus reaches our shores, and during that I was slowly building up the psychological pieces.

And then our world got abruptly turned upside down, and our everyday routine was utterly interrupted. I’d initially thought the quarantine would prove disastrous for my mental condition, principly because of the added anxiety, and the fact I cannot do the one meditative thing I love most: driving. Like most people, for the first few weeks I was completely lost and confounded at the new reality, and other than the preoccupancy of work (from home, naturally), my other waking hours were entirely lackadaisical. I must have broken personal records on Youtube video watching during the month of March.

Having enough of that, though, I found new routines to settle into, and sort of accepted this crazy situation for what it is. Each day waking up I knew exactly what I had to accomplish, and those new habits kept me focused and active. Not one to seek advice or talk through stuff with other people, I took time to self meditate and practiced the stoic/zen philosophy of being present in the moment; concentrating on what I can control, and disregarding those that I absolutely cannot.

The improvement wasn’t instant, and the upward incline wasn’t constant, either. What I can say is that as of right now, I am as content and happy as I’ve been in quite some time. Of course, I have to recognize the tremendous privilege to have kept my job during a time when so many million Americans have not. That sadly is not something I can control; I simply take what comes to me and deal with it the best I can.

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Trying to find some peace.