December still matters!

We are barely four days into the month of December, and it seems like everyone has written the rest of the month off? I’m already seeing the usual year-end lists and reflection articles popping up online, even though as of this post there’s still 28(!) days left to this year. On twitter, people are already saying goodbye to 2019 and talking about plans and whatnot for 2020, wishing each other well in the new year. It’s madness: this is worst than moving out the Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving (looking at you, America).

Question: why are you guys throwing away the month of December? Last I check, there are 12 months to a year. Hang on to your top 10 lists for just a moment! Things can yet change: what if there’s a movie that will blow your mind later this month? Or a brand new song release that entrances you? I think it’s entirely premature to be writing conclusions about 2019, and an affront to what is my favorite month of the year.

To be fair, not much does go on during December, other than the super slow burn towards Christmas vacation. The weather’s too cold, the skies' too dark, and people stay inside too often for excitement to occur. Besides, like everyone else I also have the urge to begin concluding down the year (I too have my own year-end reflection to write), because the allure of a “fresh start” to a new year is so strong that we want to turn the new leaf earlier and earlier. As always, it’s very misleading: there’s nothing you’re going to do in 2020 that you can’t do right now, or at least start. Why wait?

Lots can still happen in the next 28 days - if we allow it, so let’s not treat 2019 as if it’s over already. Don’t wait for the 2020 if there’s something you want to start or do: get after it now.

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A deserted Market Street on Thanksgiving day.

Anxiety 2019

Lately I’ve come to realize I’ve been battling a new sort of anxiety for the better part of this year. I can’t exactly put a definitive word to it; the best I can describe it is a nagging sense of insecurity about the status quo. Perhaps it’s easier to give an example.

We’re suppose to relax on weekends, right? Those of us in a fortunate enough position to have a regular weekday job get to chill on Saturdays and Sundays after a hard week’s work. Problem for me is, I can’t seem to fully enjoy my weekends. When I’m out doing super fun stuff like driving the GT3 around, I’d often times have a sense of guilt about it: I am having too much leisure; this is too bloody nice of a car; stop having so much fun and free time, because there’s plenty of work to do to preserving this whole thing.

Things are going along far too nicely; exactly when is the music going to stop?

No wonder that even on a holiday like Labor Day, I can’t seem shutdown my operating system and be in a state of not doing.

Instead of fully relaxing, I’d have anxiety about the work week ahead, and stressing about am I doing my best to warrant a long future with the company. Irrational thoughts, too, like am I just one giant imposter? I don’t really deserve to be paid for the work that I am doing; surely the guillotine will drop any minute now! It became a never-ending rat-race, and downtimes at work would trigger my anxiety, because I immediately worry about not doing enough.

Keep in mind that in reality, from the outside looking in, things are going well.

There’s insecurity about other stuff, too, like the housing. Even though it’s highly unlikely we’d be kicked out of our current below-market rate renting situation, I’d have anxiety about that, and would get deep down into the negative rabbit hole of running worst case scenarios in my head and how everything will change. Again, it’s mostly irrational thoughts, but the stress from that is real, and only now that I’ve snapped out of it do I see it clearly.

One of the four noble truths in Buddhism is that life is suffering, but it isn’t the type of suffering in what we tend to associate the word with, but rather it’s the suffering from wanting to hold onto things, and preserving what we have. Even when your life is measurably great, you will suffer greatly if you become attached to the status quo, desperate to hold on, and constantly scared it’ll all be taken away.

I think that’s been exactly my issue, and I’m glad that certain events in the past months have rescued me out.

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Spare a thought for the groom-to-be decked out in full tuxedo in Japan’s hot and humid summer weather.

First of the year

Greetings! It’s indeed 2019 isn’t it? I know what you’re thinking: “Healy, it’s almost February already; where in the heck have you been?”

Well, I’ve been tremendously sick.

I returned from my annual trip back home to China on the 12th all ready to get back into my regularly scheduled programming, but on that same day I caught the worse cold/mild flu I’ve had in many, many years. It felt hopelessly endless as I woke up everyday to the same wretched feeling, without any signs of improvement. It was one for the long haul and it’s not until this, the last week of January that I’ve finally shaken off the majority of the ills and feeling completely myself again.

Nothing like a proper span of being sick to have you realize you’ve been taking your good health for granted. The utter lack of energy to do absolutely anything; being crushingly tired just from the hours at work (I wasn’t going to take two weeks off from work after having already taken two weeks off prior for vacation); and not being able to get a wink of good sleep, compounded by the crushing jet-lag. It has not been the greatest of starts to my 2019 on our side of the Pacific.

A silver-lining to the prolonged cold was that it provided me with some precious perspective as I planned out how to tackle life in this new year. I think I’m going to try for less structure: work is work, nothing to change there, but outside of the job I shall try to be less stringent with my hobbies and tasks and to simply go with the flow.

The strict scheduling and timeliness was adding a level of stress I didn’t realize existed until I got sick this past two weeks and all of that structure got put away. An ideal came back into my purview: enjoyment. Having unceremoniously tossed away the burdens of needing to do this and that for the day, I found myself greatly enjoying the time spent just doing whatever came to mind. It’s not about skirting responsibilities, but rather not letting them consume me.

Work itself is stressful enough as is, no need for my time away from it be equally taxing. So that’s what I am going to focus on these next few months; some days I may indeed accomplish reading non-fiction for an hour, and other days I may not, and that’s completely okay. Being at peace and being in the present moment is what’s most important.

Nevertheless, the show must go on, and I’ve got tons of photographs from the China trip to sort through, and there’s also the matter of the GT3…

But this… does put a smile to my face.