Blog

Short blog posts, journal entries, and random thoughts. Topics include a mix of personal and the world at large.

Take it easy

It’s been said that depression is dwelling on the past, and anxiety is focusing on the future. To be perfectly content, you must be attentive to right now.

I guess my anxiety lately then is focusing too much on what’s coming next, even though I am thoroughly enjoying nexts that are coming up. Life is going great. I like the work that pays me well, and my hobbies and whatnot is intensely fulfilling. But that doesn’t obviate the fact there is a list of things to do, every day. Things need to get done, no matter that I enjoy doing them.

And there lies the problem. I would wake up and get anxious about the to-do list. You know how back in the schooling days, we would get home from school and eagerly tackle our pile of homework. Because we know that soon as we finish, we can go do the fun stuff, like playing video games. I’ve been treating my daily to-do list kind of like that: to get them done as quickly as possible so I can relax.

But that’s the thing: I can’t relax. There is no leisure to be found when knowing that the very next day - after a wonderful night of sleep - I have to do it all over again. So I end up chasing this phantom that never arrives. Sure, I am getting things done - but to what end? If all of this is what I want to do, why can’t I seem to achieve this promised peace of mind?

What I need to avoid is speed-running through life. The only thing waiting at the end, is death. I have to slow all the way down. Don’t walk so fast to get to work. Take my time and allow in the magic of the walk itself.

That’s what I am working on these days: slowing the F down.

Life is so cool

It’s been a week since I’ve returned from China, and I have to say it’s been overwhelmingly positive to be back. You know how people go on vacation and then dread going back home to their normal lives? I was actual the opposite. Towards the end of my two-week stay in Guangzhou, I was beginning to miss my life here in the States. Keep in mind: I was on vacation, at the land of my birth, with family I haven’t seen since the start of the pandemic, and eating Cantonese food incomparable to anything available in America.

And yet I was looking forward to returning home!

The realization here is that my life is actually pretty good. My response to coworkers wishing me a happy return is not mere lip-service - It genuinely is good to be back living my regular, normal life. Not hating your job - and perhaps even enjoying it - is such an advantage, and a privilege.

This past week was filled with calm and contentment. It’s the first time I’ve felt such things at the end of a vacation. I can remember coming home from Japan back in 2019 and getting depressed. So wonderful was that trip that the stark contrast to my life at home was emotionally damaging (cue the meme).

I guess I’ve done well to cultivate a living that is worthwhile and satisfying. Traveling then is no longer an escape. Rather it’s a brief detour, one that will take me back to the main road soon enough. Because the main road is pretty cool to be on.

Take care of yourself now

Today a coworker told me the sad news of her elderly mother taking a fall. She is still at a care facility on the long road to (hopefully) recovery. Falling down at that age is absolutely one of the worse things than can happen. My own grandmother was never the same after an accidental fall. Not only are elderly bones more brittle, but they also have less growth hormones and repairing capabilities. It is best to avoid entirely. For example, a broken hip hugely increases all-cause mortality:

A recent meta-analysis revealed that women sustaining a hip fracture had a 5-fold increase and men almost an 8-fold increase in relative likelihood of death within the first 3 months as compared with age- and sex-matched controls.

This is something I latently worry about my parents, as they enter into their retirement years. I stress to them often that they have to remain constantly active, and to continue moving heavy things (cardio fitness alone is not sufficient). They also must eat plenty of protein, and less carbs. Obviously, I can’t physically force them to do anything, so whether or not they follow through with my heeding is beyond my control. I think in the near future I will buy for both my parents an Apple Watch: for the fall detection feature. I want to be alerted immediately if my mom or dad takes an unfortunate tumble.

Hearing anecdotes of the fragility of aging, and the ignominy of being mobility hindered and needing assistance to perform basic human tasks, is always a reminder for myself to avoid that outcome to the best that I can control. That means taking care of my body and building a strong foundation now, while I am still at the meat of my adulthood. The retirement years are only worth living if I can be as active and moving freely as the younger years (relatively speaking).

Having grandparents that suffered through it, I can say with certainty that being confined to a living facility for the last decade of life is not the way to go.

Died in the middle

It’s weird to read on breaking news the person I’m currently reading about is pronounced dead. Henry Kissinger died yesterday at the prime age of 100. I am about halfway through Walter Isaacson’s biography of him. The takeaway from the book thus far: my god was the Vietnam War just utterly and stupendously horrendous. That Kissinger seemingly had a hand in extending that human tragedy for a few more years, all for the sake of diplomacy vis a vis the Soviets and China, is kind of vile. The Vietnamese people - from both sides of the conflict - have a right to hate America for at least a century of years.

Or one Kissinger: he lived to 100! Let it be known that one can have a hugely stressful job, late nights and early mornings, a typical American diet, zero exercise, and still live to see triple digit age. What the heck am I doing? Working out consistently, keeping a good diet, and getting tremendous amounts of sleep nightly. I don’t even drink a lick of alcohol! Perhaps gluttony and hedonism is the way to go for a long lifespan. All in moderation? Negative! What we all want is the promise of a long life without the hard work.

For better and worse, Kissinger gave his gift to America, and the world. Not content with toiling in academia for a career, he pursued his interests and what he wanted to do with fervor (and a hearty dose of egomania). On this specifically, I think Kissinger is admirable. So many of us - and I include myself in the us - give up on even trying to fulfill our potential, to chase what we really want to do. We settle for a life of enough, a life of too comfortable to take risks. I’m not saying there isn’t happiness in that, but people like Kissinger sort of makes you think of what might have been.

That maybe at your death, there will be a litany of highlights and lowlights to look back on. And perhaps the world will know about you too.

Sonny

It was a somber workday yesterday. A coworker got the news that her mother is diagnosed with cancer, and not the good kind. Not to say there is a good kind of cancer, but you know what I mean. My own mother has had breast cancer, which while scary, is imminently survivable. She’s in remission to this day (god willing).

Obviously, my coworkers was in a bit of shock. As a coworker, I was at a lost of what to say, other than how sorry I was to hear the sad news. Was there more to be said? I’m not so sure. It’s tempting to encourage him to take the rest of the day off, but people handle bad news differently. Perhaps being at work and actually doing the work is a needed distraction from the difficulties to come.

It’s never fun when human mortality surfaces right front and center. Most of us go through life running away from contemplating our mortality. That in turn governs how we act each day. We think we have all the time in the world, but reality can snatch it away in a quick second. A normal workday will be utterly interrupted by the news your mother has terminal cancer. What a cruel joke! Just a minute before, another day was going swimmingly.

Sometimes you wish there’s a button to turn back the time. Like there is in a role-playing video game.

The constant contemplation of death should influence our actions. To not sweat the small stuff, be quick to forgive, and say the things you want to say now. Because it can all go away in an instant.

And there goes the day

Some days your day is just going swimmingly, then next thing you know, in a sudden transition worthy of film editing, you’re at the local emergency room awaiting news from a friend.

That was me yesterday. I was settled in to another good day of work when I suddenly get a call from close friend. She’s got a medical emergency that requires me ferrying her to the hospital as soon as possible. What do I do at that moment but drop everything and leave work? I’m immensely appreciative that I work at place where I can leave at the drop of a proverbial hat, no consequences. Any slack from the work I’m responsible for will be taken up by my colleagues (coordinated via Slack, naturally).

That is worth everything. Work will always be there, but the life events of the people close to you - good or bad - will only be there once.

Thankfully the injuries suffered by my friend is not too bad. Wounds will heal and she’ll be just like before in no time. There was a peculiar sensation I discovered during the ordeal during the wait outside of the emergency room. There’s only so much scrolling on the phone I can do while waiting out the multiple hours. So I started to space out and think about whatever comes to mind. That’s when a sort of existential crisis came up: “What the heck am I doing here?” “What day of the week is it?”

“Why did I get picked to have this predicament?” That is a surprisingly selfish thought, especially when I’m not the one with the injury. Of course I have no qualms with assisting a friend (or family) in their time of need. But truth be told: it is still an incredible hassle. The rest of my day have been utterly rearranged. Whatever schedules and routines I’ve got are completely out the window. Again, I’m perfectly willing to help. I guess when you’re outside the hospital waiting for hours for good news, this is the type of thoughts that comes to mind.

Obviously, it’s all part of life. It never goes forever smoothly and happily. We simply have to be up for the challenge. There’s no rewind or reset buttons, no matter that sometimes we wish there is one.

A decade has passed

Last week at work there was a celebration of years-of-service milestones for the campus staff (in increments of five years). I was amongst the group celebrating 10 years of service time. A full decade has passed since I became full-time staff at the university - what a thing to realize! So much for seeing this job as something temporary before moving on to something more pertinent (I’ve got a degree in business, after all). 10 years on, I don’t see myself changing from this - unless something drastic happens. I’m in it until the end.

And honestly, that is not a bag thing at all. This campus job is steady, I’m reasonably decent at it, and during off hours I never have to think about it. The stress to income ratio is just about right. Most of my friends make more than I do, but I wouldn’t want their stress and work schedules. Besides, comparing yourself to others is how you end up feeling bad about somehow not being as “ambitious.” Asian parents will definitely get on you for not striving for more (money).

But that would be living to the expectation of others. The want for a (supposedly) higher station in life should come from within: striving for the sake of striving itself. What you don’t want is to feel trapped in the momentum of a certain path, as dictated by society. People are so focused on achieving the next thing they never stop to think whether that next thing is even something they intrinsically want. Adding to the problem is their lifestyle have already acquiesced to a certain level of income (lifestyle creep). They can’t get off the hamster wheel: private school for the kids needs paying.

I feel lucky to have avoided that trap. More money would be nice, but the additional stress that inevitably comes from it is not worth trading life energy for. I work so that I don’t have to work, if you get what I mean.