Blog

Short blog posts, journal entries, and random thoughts. Topics include a mix of personal and the world at large.

The ultimate driving

It was the best drive I’ve had in a very long time.

This past Sunday, it was time once again to take the 911 out for a spin. It’s been an entire month since I last moved it - due to the COVID-19 lockdown situation - so it was somewhat overdue for a bit of mechanical warmup and battery charging. Of course, in typical German fashion, the Porsche started right up on the third spin of the starter motor. The exterior that hasn’t been washed since the February is decidedly dusty now, but as they say, you can’t see the outside once you are sat on the inside.

For some reason, this particular drive was extra good. In recent weeks, it feels as if there’s been a weight taken off me, a part of an ongoing practice of being in the present. There’s been a breakthrough of sorts that allowed me to let go of something that’s been subtlety bothering me for the longest time. Freed from those burdens, I was able to concentrate fully on simply driving the 911, rather than having a thousand other thoughts running through my mind. I rediscovered what a joy and privilege it is to be able to own a sports car of this caliber; the scent of the leather, and the tactility of the controls.

Even though the San Mateo mountains were teeming with outdoorsy folks enjoying a sunny weekend, and the roads were mired with more traffic than usual, it didn’t dampen the spirit of the drive any less. I was so completely focused on interacting with the car that it didn’t matter I wasn’t able to go the speeds a car enthusiast would prefer. The bliss was purely from being there driving, and going nowhere in particular. With music playing on the stereo in the background to accompany the sweet engine noise, it was calm and meditative experience. I can still feel the euphoric glow as I’m typing this a whole day after.

Being utterly present in the moment and letting go of things that don’t matter is such a powerful practice.

Stop projecting into the future

Staying in “the present” can sometimes be very difficult.

The mind is a wonderful yet often uncontrollable thing, and when it wants to it’ll wander off on its own, down paths that you aren’t necessarily ready yet to confront. The more you try to control it, the more it slips away, as if it’s mocking you for your foolish attempts. Being able to focus on the moment and the direct task in front of you is a learned practice, because the mind puts up continual distractions, either from your pass, or the future.

I had such an episode yesterday morning: I was going about my usual morning routine when I received an email from my coworker that she will be out sick for the day. Obviously, the first mistake was checking work email during off-work hours; nevertheless, the message from my coworker took me completely away from what I was doing at that moment, and right into a rather negative chain of thought.

It’s quite selfish, too: my mind immediately went to creating scenarios where the my coworker’s absence meant an increased burden on me. Perhaps work will get super busy, and the lack of personnel meant I’ll be running around like a madman, not getting a moment to breathe. What if today was the particular kind of day that everything at work goes to hell, and I’d be the one stuck plugging the hole on the damaged dam? I’d better get mentally prepared for such scenarios.

Mind you, this was at 9 AM in the morning, and I didn’t start work until 2:30 PM. What a monumental waste it is to worry about something that isn’t yet to occur, to negatively project outwards into the future what might happen. What if things turn out to be okay? None of it is in my control until I get to work, so it’s rather futile and stupid to ponder on the possibilities and be stressed over them. There’s really no utility to it, but the mind is going to do what it is wont to do.

It takes practice to be able to snap out of such thought processes, to detach and evaluate from a macro level. Does this matter right now? If the answer is no, then I know to stop worrying and return to what I was doing. It’s hard, don’t get me wrong; I’ve a bad tendency to create worst case future scenarios for myself, and it’s a constant struggle to calm myself down, to not be so attached to outcomes that most of the time won’t even materialize.

As always, it’s a work in progress.

I guess anything can be a canvas; even other people’s property!

Skydiving and staying present in the moment

Various schools of philosophy preaches the importance of being in the present, to have supreme concentration on the right here and right now.

Those of us who study and practice philosophy know that is far easier read than executed. The mind so easily wanders to either the future or the past; before you’re even done eating dinner, you’re already thinking about what to cook for breakfast tomorrow. The modern world full of distractions certainly compounds the distraction situation, with the smartphone ever attached to us, like an IV drip of a hospital patient.

Having mind and focus on the present is incredibly tough.

I recently heard of an example demonstrating precisely the mental state of being in the present. It has to do with skydiving, and the exact moment a skydiver is about to jump off the airplane. At that time, the area of focus shrinks down to the very point that only concerns with making the jump. The skydiver isn’t thinking about his mortgage payments or that argument he had with a coworker the previous day: his sole concentration is with accomplishing the mission of landing back on the ground, safe and alive.

That’s the exact feeling and mindset of being in the present that we can harness. To be so completely involved in what we’re currently doing that other thoughts can’t possibly enter the brain. Obviously, we shouldn’t need a pretend life-and-death scenario to draw that out of us. Skydiving can be just like any other thing we do on a daily basis, and therefore it’s absolutely possible to give that same amount of focus towards anything.

It takes practice, of course. A lifetime’s worth.

I’m just running in the 90’s.

Don't dream it's over

This past weekend I enjoyed some lazy time doing nothing substantial by watching Initial D Fifth Stage. I’d realized that while I’ve seen the first four stages of the anime multiple times, I’ve yet to rewatch the fifth series since it first aired all the way back in 2014(!). As one of the three major seminal products in inspiring my passion for cars - the other two being Gran Turismo video game and Top Gear television program, I figured it was a good time as any for a revisit.

Every time I watch Initial D I am overwhelmed with a desire to just get in the car and drive. Good thing my current car is parked quite bit away from where I live, because to be under the influence of mountain road drift battles and effervescent Eurobeat music while piloting the Porsche would not be the best mixture for a good outcome. I’d begin to think myself as the master of the mountain roads and go way beyond the limits of safety; definitely don’t want to end up like this guy.

Anyways, as I was half way through the anime marathon, my mind couldn’t help itself and wandered to the future some hours later when I’d have finished watching the entirety of Fifth Stage. I then started feeling sad that this current happiness of rewatching a beloved anime will soon be over and I’d be back to the harsh reality of having to prepare for work the next day. Indeed, why am I upset about it being over when I’m still in the middle of it? If doing something relaxing and fun is going to make me feel bad afterwards, then what’s the point?

This experience isn’t new: I can remember being at concerts and feeling upset midway through that this moment of bliss will soon be over.

This tendency of mine to feel sad about happy things ending is definitely not healthy. I’d get detached from the present and unable to immerse fully in what is suppose to be joyous activities. Furthermore, I don’t think it’s productive to allow my base state of happiness or feeling to be affected by things I do, whether it be something leisurely like watching television, or something burdensome like the weekday work. The constant up and down would be disastrous for my mental well-being, when all I really want is peace.

Emotion is good and welcomed, but not when it comes at the expense of being in the moment, and feeling melancholic about something happy that will be over in a few hours. As I’ve said many times, things like this is a constant work in progress.

Right in the feels

Yesterday I was introduced to this interesting article about busyness, within which the following is quoted:

“This busyness serves as a kind of existential reassurance, a hedge against emptiness. Obviously your life cannot possibly be silly, or trivial, or meaningless if you are so busy, completely booked every hour of the day. All this noise, and rush, and stress seem contrived to cover up some fear at the center of our lives.”

This hit me right in the gut.

I’m not super obsessed with being busy, but I do try to keep productive whenever I can. Whenever I’m idle it feel as if I’m wasting this one life I’ve got, so I keep to a tight schedule and try to maximize the learning opportunities. Indeed I’m that asshole who can’t understand people’s infatuation with watching television; those mindless hours are better spent on more creative endeavors, or self improvement. On such occasions I grab a book instead, or edit photographs.

But it’s easy to get trapped into a productivity hamster wheel, where I’m singularly focused on finishing a task as quickly as possible, and moving on to the next. I don’t get satisfaction for the day until the list is finished, which on reflection is not the healthiest thing to do, because I’m completely negating the joy that comes from the process. If life becomes just a series of checkmarks, then you’re forever looking towards the next item to mark off. I keep busy because I’m afraid the music will stop.

Because when the music stops, I die.

My busyness is absolutely a sort of existential reassurance, not as a hedge against emptiness, but rather a hedge against my fear of mortality. Since my youth I’ve had difficulty accepting that all of this is finite, and someday I won’t be walking on this earth. Worse still is the feeling that I won’t know what happens afterwards, an eternal sleep from which there’s no awakening. That final threshold of human life have always had a scary hold onto my psyche, even to this day as a full-fledged adult. The continued practice of stoicism and the acceptance of death sometimes isn’t enough to hold back the demons.

Being busy, does; so I keep at it, but reading that passage above completely pierced through the facade. I’m afraid of death, yet I’m mindlessly barreling through it without stopping to feel alive in the present. That’s not okay. Instead of using busyness as a blanket to hide away the darkness, I need to steer into the slide and confront the pangs of fear whenever it materializes.

Not to say I shall become be slothful and lazy (my default mode, actually), but rather to slow down and really focus on what’s at hand, rather than what’s coming up next. Also, it’s perfectly okay to take a break, and have frivolous moments - especially if it’s spent with family or friends.

Being 'in the moment' is difficult

As studying stoic, one of the many things taught to us is to focus on the present, take in what's directly in front of us and not let the mind wander forward towards the future nor backwards to the past.

Easier said than done.

Take for example driving to work. As soon as I get into the car, I start thinking about what's ahead waiting for me once I get there. Try as I may to focus on enjoying the drive, taking in the weather, being grateful for the sublime engineering that is the Mazda MX-5, my mind inevitably skips ahead to the workplace. Being in the moment takes constant practice, and some days are more difficult than others.

A good trick to alleviate some of the impulses is to never procrastinate at work - and at home. Whatever items need to be done, I try to complete it as soon as possible - don't wait. Otherwise the unfinished things will compound the tendencies to distract from the present, especially those of the workplace.

I don't suppose it'll ever be perfect, this 'being present' business, but getting near it is good goal because my anxiety levels have gone down commensurately.