Dying — Blog — Healy Chen

Regrets of the dying

Yesterday, my family went to see my maternal grandfather in the nursing home. He is 93, hugely diabetic, and struggling through his last days. My brother and I were there to pay our last respects, if you will. While I would say that 93 years is a sufficiently long life, the pain that comes with end of life is still a difficult watch. Grandfather could opt out of dialysis and go in a matter of days, but he continues to cling to life. Who can blame him?

The whole time I was there, I kept thinking of Bronnie Ware’s book: The Top Five Regrets of the Dying. I wonder what regrets my grandfather has, if any? Sadly, not a question I can ask, because at this point he doesn’t even recognize who I am. For those wondering, here are the top five regrets, courtesy of Wikipedia:

"I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me."
"I wish I hadn't worked so hard."
"I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings."
"I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends."
"I wish that I had let myself be happier."

I know one regret I would have: making dumb health choices when I’m young, only for me to suffer later in life. What’s the point of living into the 90s when you’re bed and house-ridden for the final decade plus? I don’t see that as a very good life. This is why I hugely about the three pillars of getting enough sleep, eating correctly, and consistent exercise. Now, when I’m still in my 30s. I want to live a long time, yes, but I want that long time to also be as functional as possible. God willing, of course.

This is why I push my retired parents to be as active as possible, and get enough protein. Let my grandfather be an example of how not to end up during our respective end of days. It’s a tremendous burden on yourself and your loved ones.

Kevin Smith on dying

On the bus ride to work today I listened to the Joe Rogan podcast with guest Kevin Smith, who recently had an heart-attack scare. Towards the end of the three-hour episode Kevin Smith talked about his near-brush with death. He said for a guy who’s been scared of dying his whole life, he was surprisingly calm and okay when he was lying in the hospital not knowing whether he’ll make it out. Life is a journey and when the journey is over it’s nothing to be afraid of or lamented, but rather be glad: people are happy when they accomplish things and life is literally the longest and biggest thing we get to do.

Kevin Smith talked about the feelings he experienced being okay with dying was surprisingly the same his mother felt that time when she went into cardiac arrest, was clinically dead for a few moments, and came back. She remarked that being on the “other side” for that brief time was the ultimate sense of freedom: this life she’s toiled so hard through is finally over and what's left was absolute peace.

As someone who’ve battled the fear of death demon for years, I was shocked to hear a guy like Kevin Smith, with his tremendous success, can harbor that same fear. The wisdom I gained from his story is that in life if you accomplish many great things, get after it with gusto, and leave no regrets behind, that life well lived will make death spectacularly easy to face. Kevin Smith felt okay with possibly dying from the heart attack because he was satisfied with all the awesome things he had done.

Leaving this human world is the reward at the end of the marathon of life - even if it’s cut short by disease or other circumstances.

I’m afraid to die because I want to live, because there’s many things I’ve yet to do. Fear of dying is a self-fulfilling prophecy: the more you try to avoid it by living super passively and avoiding everything difficult, the more that fear lingers and eats within. The way to make death acceptable is to live a life worthy of it: try new things, chase dreams, go after what you desire, be the hero.

To put it another way: is the things you’ve done and accomplish in life worth dying for?

Up and up we go, less and less we can afford.