Blog

Short blog posts, journal entries, and random thoughts. Topics include a mix of personal and the world at large.

With what money?

I go the mall sometimes during the weekday lunch hours, and I would see the local high school kids buying lunch at the food court. How on earth do they have the money for it? The allowances they get from parents must be hefty. I make above the American median household income, and I only feel comfortable enough to get Chipotle once in a while. Kids, with no income - how are they doing it?

Especially these days when $10 can’t even buy you a meal at McDonalds. At least back when I was in high school, there was the dollar menu. That’s a lot of McChicken for the $20 my father would give me once in a while. A dollar now can literally buy nothing at the Golden Arches. I understand inflation, but people aren’t making that much more money? A suitable food allowance for a higher schooler of today must be in the hundreds per month.

I guess there’s a lot of rich parents out there in San Francisco.

No wonder it’s said that child rearing is so expensive. With the recent inflation it’s got to be more than the quarter million to raise a child from baby to 18 years of age.

My parents most certainly did not spend a quarter million dollars to raise me. They didn’t have to money to. Not even close. I think it’s people’s expectations of what entails child-rearing that drives up the costs. Childcare, birthday parties, toys, trips to Disneyland (allowance when they reach teenage years); a lot of it is more wants than needs.

I read an article about parents getting into debt to bring their kids to Disneyland. News flash: if you cannot cash flow a Disneyland trip, you cannot afford it. There’s no rule that a child must experience Disneyland. For sure they will be sad when they hear from their school friends who went, but I didn’t have Nike shoes growing up, and I turned out just fine (allegedly). No emotional damage at all.

You can't take a shortcut

Blink and you’ll miss it. My housemates’ set of twins turned a year old! Cliche to say, but it does indeed seem like just a few months ago they came home from the hospital. Those tiny little humans! Also cliche to say: when it comes to kids, the days are long, but the years are short.

I think having children is the best reminder that good results simply takes consistent effort over long periods of time. There aren’t really shortcuts when it comes to raising kids. You change their diapers and feed them milk for the nth amount of time, then they start talking and walking. There’s no hack, or top 10 tips to get your babies to grow faster. There’s only the work, day after day after day.

And unlike something like exercising or going on a diet, parents can’t exactly just stop this whole taking care of a child thing. Well, the morally sound ones, anyways.

Parenting is suppose to be hard. I think if there were this hypothetical shortcut to raising kids, those that did it before the hack was invented would be seriously resentful. The same way those who have diligently paid off their students loans are loathe to see those who didn’t get theirs forgiven by the government. Or those who lost their excess weight through diet and exercise, are hateful towards those who can now simply inject Ozempic into their bellies once a week.

Paradoxical, isn’t it? People love a shortcut (get abs in two weeks videos), but people also hate those who take shortcuts (can also be known as cheating). I think it’s positive to see that ultimately, we all know that putting in the work consistently is what makes that pot of gold at the end genuinely worth its weight.

Parenting is hard

It is the start of the Spring 2024 semester on campus. Nice to see a bustling campus once more, though the only downside is the bathrooms will certainly be dirtier. The flu and cold virus is also going around, so we've got to protect ourselves the best we can. Wash or sanitize your hands often, and try not to touch your face. Even post COVID pandemic, people can’t seem to stay home when they are sick. Supposedly, the area around the eyes are potently vulnerable entry points for viruses.

Was there a chance the Spring semester was going to be delayed? The CFA - the union representing faculty and librarians - were on strike just last week. But on that Tuesday, the two sides came to a tentative agreement. CFA basically got the same deal as we, the employees union - got: five percent raises last fiscal and this fiscal year. Equality is great, isn't it? (The CFA was asking for more.)

Also included in the new contract is an increase of paid parental leave from the current six weeks to 10 weeks. As a housemate to two new parents with five months-old twin boys, I must say parents deserve all the time off they can get from their employers. Parenting is truly another job onto itself. It's not like folks on parental leave are at home playing videos games. In fact, some are happy to return to work, partly to escape the baby responsibilities for just a few precious hours. (Who knew that eating an entire lunch undisturbed can be so precious?)

Anything to encourage and incentivize people to have babies should be pursued. The education industry - the one I am employed by - is predicated on having an endless supply of replacement pupils, year after year. If the population is having fewer babies, then that supply will naturally dwindle. And with it the future stability of this job. So in a totally self-servicing way: good for the CFA in getting an increase in parental leave!

What is sleep?

As I’m listening to this podcast episode about sleep this morning, I am reminded of just how little my housemates have been getting these past months. Ever since their twin boys were born last September, both parents have been running on four hours of sleep per night. I cannot comprehend how they do it. The last time I only got four hours of sleep (had to pick up a friend after the Taylor Swift concert), I was in a suboptimal daze for the entire week following.

Either I am weak, or, you know, proper amounts of sleep is the best thing for our body that pharmaceuticals can’t hope to replicate.

But, as new parents, my friends got to do what they got to do. Though it’s not really good advertising to entice others to have kids. So you’re telling me: the babies will cry every few hours (like PTSD), I only get few hours of sleep a night - therefore my body don’t have the necessary time to repair itself, my stress levels are through the roof, and my diet is absolute super-processed shit. All for the privilege of bring a new life into this world. Honorable, but damn if it looks like not so good a time.

Life is a big game of tradeoffs. That aforementioned is the sacrifice required to have kids. Just like if you want to date and get married, then some of your leisure activities will have to go. One quite literally cannot have it all. You drill down to the few things most important, and then focus on them solely. Once kids arrive, then obviously something - a lot of something - else is no longer in the “most important’ category. Like sleep, or traveling to foreign countries for fun.

Thankfully (and hopefully soon), my housemates will get some sleep hours back. Once the twins reach a stage where they are able to sleep overnight consistently. Surely other parenting challenges await after that. But, a well-rested and well-slept parent is better adept at meeting those challenges.

You'll miss it when it's gone

I go almost every Friday over to my friends’ house to see their two boys. Well, primarily for a free dinner, but it doesn’t change the fact the kids are there as well. At the tender age of six and four, the changes week by week can be rapid. One week you can kiss the eldest hello and goodbye, then the next he doesn’t want you to anymore. Because he learned at school that’s not what boys do. At least I’m not the mother who got asked to stop calling him “baby”. That must hurt!

This is why when it comes to young kids, I’ve come up with a saying: “You’ll miss it when it’s gone.” Especially the minor things you currently complain about with their behavior. Still wanting you to feed them food even though they’re six years old? You’ll miss the bonding time when they soon would rather eat by themselves, away from the dinner table. Asking you too many questions with that typically endless curiosity of kid? You’ll miss it come the teenage years, and it’s you who desperately want to communicate.

I’m not sure my friends appreciate me saying they’ll miss it when it’s gone. After all, I’m only there for about three hours out of the week. I don’t have to deal with those behavioral annoyances constantly. It’s entirely possible that if and when I have kids of my own, my tune would be different. Feed you? Feed yourself! You’re six! Carry you? You can walk just fine.

One things for sure: if I do have kids, they will get my absolute undivided attention. The time for hobbies and personal interests is over. Any kid will and should usurp all of those things. I come home from a long day at work and guess what? It’s time to play with the kids. No more piano practice. No more joys of reading.

Which is why I’m not in any hurry.

First time babysitting

I have found the secret to babysitting.

This past Friday, my friends had a wedding to attend, so I volunteered to look after their two young boys for a few hours (ages three and five). I’ve known these kids since they were born, so their familiarity with me should make for a pretty smooth evening. And indeed it was. The boys didn’t care at all that both parents will be gone for awhile. I guess they’ve past that age of separation anxiety.

The secret to babysitting young kids is to provide them with your undivided attention. You can’t be on your phone or stare at a laptop screen the whole time while they’re playing by themselves. This isn’t a time to watch Netflix. My friend’s two boys like to have someone sit right next to them while they play with toys or watch something on the iPad. I was ready to react anytime they had a comment or wanted me to look at something.

Can’t do that while I’m scrolling through twitter endless on my iPhone! I think kids innately know whether you’re paying attention to them or not. It’s not something you can fake. That “uh huh” while you’re still looking at the laptop screen rings very hollow to a kid’s ears.

And that’s the sacrifice to having kids, isn’t it? The world you had previously: the social media, the TV shows, even conversation with your friends - those things are way in the back burner now. Giving time and attention to your kids is rule number one. Everything else almost don’t matter. Don’t be that pet owner who looks at his phone the whole time while walking the dog. That’s the commitment you chose.

There will come a time when the kids get old enough (teenage years) that they can be left alone for extend periods. Until then, the best way to be with kids is actually be with them, fully.